
- Remember that we cannot control what happens, we can only control our responses. Believing we can control the outcome invites distress. Albert Ellis was the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy. He set it out this way: A) is the event that happens, B) is our beliefs, and C) is the result. Most people believe that A=C, when in reality our beliefs control the outcome. Think of it this way: if a certain event happens, would 100 people see the event in the same way? Likely not - assuming this - we can know that A does not equal C, rather A+B=C: the event PLUS our beliefs result in C, the consequence. How we perceive the event determines the outcome. I invite you to remember that you are in charge of your beliefs. You can think about various situations in advance and decide how you might behave. This has been profoundly helpful to me.
- Forget about counting to 10. You cannot do much in the span of 10 seconds. Rather than 10 seconds, count to 100. This gives you, as my grandmother used to say “more emotional space to make a decision”.
- Think about people you can call when you feel challenged or stuck. Talk to them in advance and make an agreement that you will talk to these people, and at the end of your “conversation” they can ask you if you would like feedback of not. I do this often and it’s been immensely helpful.
- Do you exercise at all? Have you seen a doctor recently? Your physical health directory impacts how you feel. Think about a time you might have eaten a lot of items with high carbs or sugar. Garbage in, garbage out, eh?
- Do you have any hobbies? If you are simply focused on what you normally do, it’s hard to create the opportunities to have new experiences. New activities create new neural pathways, which allow you to develop more coping strategies.
- Consider seeking out a personal coach or a therapist: it can be very hard to be objective about yourself. Feedback from a third party is a legit way to get perspective, and in my option, is the height of self-care
- Do you meditate or live in quiet contemplation? I am a newbie at meditation and joke that I need a remedial meditation class. The kind of meditation I tried was complex, long, and tedious, and as a result I became bored and stopped. What I do now is to think of the kind of thing(s) I want to achieve and focus on that: I align my breathing, mental awareness, sense of self, and energy to that end. I set a timer for no more than 10 minutes. I want my mediation practice to be enjoyable, and something I look forward to doing. I set out a specific time to meditate every day and commit to making that happen.
- Most people seek to change their life by adding what they want. That is one approach, and it does work for some people. However, you could simply begin to eliminate what you don’t like, and eventually the BS will be minimal and you will have the life you want
- It’s hard to be frustrated all the time. I would simply invite you to realize that you can complain, but place a limit on those complaints: set a timer for 15 minutes and do some hardcore angry venting: you can record that and send that to a friend, or you can set up a Zoom appointment with a mentor. This still gives you the opportunity to feel frustrated, but it allows you to minimize the energy you expend on your frustrations.
- Generate compassion towards yourself and others. Do realize that you are not the only person to have such worries and frustrations. It is easy to feel lonely and alone. Giving yourself the emotional space and awareness that you’re angry can allow you to develop skills to be less so; this can go a long way in creating the life you want. When you do talk to the person that angers you, remember to use “I” statements. It’s important to remember that we’re all doing the best we can.
Thanks for reading. Good luck on your path.